Brigmur

Suggested price:   More than 16¢ per word
Location:  Chicago, IL
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Biography

28-year-old female who works in Commercial Real Estate and writes wedding speeches on the side. I studied English and Creative Writing in college and am actively seeking creative projects to work on during my 9-5.

EDUCATION:  Bachelors from Rollins College BLOG:  BrigMur At Sea
CERTIFICATIONS:  None provided CURRICULUM VITAE:  None provided

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Writing Sample

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by Alec Baldwin. *Raises hand*

I haven’t posted a #tbt in a while. Mostly, because I’ve recycled through the majority of my adorable baby pictures that strategically aim to show potential bachelors how beautiful our future children will be, and well, secondarily, I turned twenty-five this year and need to grow the duck up.

After posting yesterday’s compelling #tbt, and after the internet was back up and running after I literally broke it, I sat back, relaxed, and read through your comments. To everyone who demanded that I tell them what I said to Alec, I am offended. Where were you so called “loyal followers” three years ago, when I was actually pooping my pants over the fact that Alec Baldwin cyberly attacked and roasted me like a lying, drunken, good-for-nothing piece of butternut squash? Perhaps the most disturbing part of yesterday’s fiasco, was the outpour of messages from my very best friends, asking me to remind them of exactly what happened, so they could share MY story with their accomplices who had too much pride to fangirl me and give me the satisfaction of their curiosity. The nerve, I swear.

To the loyal fans, who left comments of support and encouragement during quite arguably my most hectic social media day of the year, keep it up, it is because of you that I have decided to open up and tell my story.

It was a rainy day in July, the year was 2014. I sat in a pub in London with my best friend, Lindsay, who was hosting me for the week with her family in Belgravia. We had just graduated from Rollins College, had not yet started jobs, and had entirely too much time on our hands. As we sipped on our mid-afternoon pints, we engaged in riveting conversation about trolling.

The Dictionary defines trolling as “to make a deliberately offensive or provocative online post with the aim of upsetting someone or eliciting an angry response from them.”

Urban Dictionary, however, defines trolling as “the art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off”. I tend to define it by the latter, but either work.

I had been a long-time fan of the Baldwin family, initially finding solace in the fact that Ireland Baldwin also grew up with a father who used creative and thought provoking language to address his daughter in moments of distress, like when he called her a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” Just kidding Dad, I know you would have been more creative than that. My real admiration of Ireland, however, stemmed from her relationship with Slater Trout, a Professional Stand Up Paddler and Photographer.

Disclaimer: Ireland only dates Professional Sit Down Paddler’s now.

Ireland and Slater’s relationship was hot and heavy. They were young, in love, and things were going way too smoothly for them. No wonder Ireland went completely bat shit crazy, dyed her hair purple, broke poor Slater’s heart, got a baker’s dozen tattoos and started dating black FEMALE rapper, Angel Haze. Not only was Angel Haze sweaty, smelly, and disgusting looking, but she had a shitty attitude too.

Their relationship started right around the same time when Alec was arrested by the NYPD for riding his bicycle the wrong way in traffic, and took to Twitter to tell everyone how he really felt about the arrest.

“Officer Moreno, badge number 23388, arrested me and handcuffed me for going the wrong way on Fifth Ave” (ABFalecbaldwin) May 13, 2014

“Meanwhile, photographers outside my home ONCE AGAIN terrified my daughter and nearly hit her with a camera. The police did nothing.” (@ABFalecbaldwin) May 13, 2014

”New York City is a mismanaged carnival of stupidity that is desperate for revenue and anxious to criminalize behavior once thought benign.” (@ABFalecbaldwin) May 13, 2014

People weren’t very happy about Alec’s Tweets and his PR team basically told him to shut the front door. You can only imagine how much Alec was struggling to keep quiet when Angel Haze released a statement about his beloved Ireland later that month, spilling the beans on her and Ireland’s racy sex life.

“An interracial gay couple, I mean that’s just weird for America right now. We f**k and friends don’t f**k. I have never f**ked one of my friends. Once I see you in that way, it doesn’t happen,” she says. “But we do f**k and it’s crazy and that’s weird to say because I think about it in terms of an audience reading it and them thinking, ‘What the hell?’ But it happens.”
Since Alec had a history of being, well, very honest, the people were eagerly awaiting his response. For the first time in Alec’s life, he was being well-behaved. That is when Lindsay and I decided to interject.

We had never trolled someone before, and we weren’t exactly sure how it worked. After a couple beers and thoughtful consideration, we demised a plan.

Off of my Instagram account, Brigmur, I left a subtle comment on one of Angel Haze’s posts. Not on her latest post, but an older post, in order to make my comment stand out from the rest.

The comment read, “My dad had dinner with Alec last night and Alec said he would have actually learned to like you, if you hadn’t said such sexually explicit stuff about his daughter.”

One comment, and that was all that it took. We stirred the pot and waited for the aftermath to unfold. Realistically, we were joking around and didn’t expect anything to come from our asinine commentary.

The rain continued and we headed back to the house for an afternoon nap before dinner. Our bedroom was in the basement of the house, and we didn’t get much cell service. Lindsay was sleeping, and I started receiving random messages on my phone. They all seemed out of order, and I was super confused. My phone was blowing up. I went near the window and opened Instagram to find over a thousand friend requests.

“Lindsay, wake up! Something is happening!”

I had text messages from all sorts of people, asking me why Alec Baldwin just directed an Instagram post at me. However, when I went to his Instagram to view his post, I couldn’t see anything. I later discovered that this was because he had blocked me, right after he gave me a warm Instagram shoutout, “It never ceases to amaze me how much lying, drunken, good-for-nothing trash posts their garbage on here @brigmur”.

Well, there he was. The old Alec we all knew and loved had returned!

I continued to receive Instagram requests, and people messaged me telling me how Alec found out about my comment. Someone who claimed to be friends with Angel Haze said that Ireland was holding onto Angel’s phone while she was performing at a concert and saw my comment. Someone else said that Ireland called Alec in hysterics, telling him to stay out of her life. Who knows what the real story is, but the whole thing was pretty epic.

I couldn’t have cared less that Alec Baldwin blocked me on Instagram, I never even followed him to begin with. The real slap in the face, though, was when Ireland blocked me. It has been three years and I still don’t know what my girl Ireland is up to.

About a month later, I was searching random Baldwin family members and discovered that Hilaria Baldwin hadn’t blocked me. This was an opportunity.

I took to one of her older Instagram posts, of her doing yoga of course.

“My dad had dinner with Alec last night and Alec said he would like you a lot more if you weren’t such a yogi”.

Anddd…..Blocked.